


Zork

by TardisIsTheOnlyWayToTravel



Category: Supernatural, Zork - Fandom
Genre: Gen, Humour, The Trickster - Freeform, cruel but ironic deaths are the Trickster's M.O., text-based gaming, the narrator of Zork is a sadistic bastard, this is a trick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-25
Updated: 2012-04-25
Packaged: 2017-11-04 07:22:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/391256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TardisIsTheOnlyWayToTravel/pseuds/TardisIsTheOnlyWayToTravel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being the smart-ass narrator of the computer game from hell is fun. Being the random unfortunate stuck in said game, not so much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Zork

**Author's Note:**

> Sadly, while the Zork narrator voice was originally in the appropriate font, AO3 has formatted over this to give the entire fic the same font. Sigh.
> 
> To read itn the appropriate fonts, go [here](http://aceofannwn.livejournal.com/66201.html).

Jason stared around in utter confusion.

One minute he had been sitting at his computer, the next he was standing here, wherever ‘here’ was. It looked liked an abandoned house.

“Where the hell am I?” he asked aloud.

**You are standing inside an empty house that has been abandoned for some time.** a smug voice informed him. The voice seemed to come from all around him. 

“Fuck!” Jason screamed.

** Slow down there cowboy.  ** the voice mocked him. He could _hear_ the smirk.

“How did I get here?” Jason asked, spinning around desperately and looking around for some kind of exit, some clue that this was all a massive prank. “What the hell is this?”

** WELCOME TO ZORK! ZORK is a game of adventure, danger, and low cunning. In it you will explore some of the most amazing territory ever seen by mortals. No computer should be without one! **

“Oh God,” Jason said, as it became horrifyingly clear. “This can’t be happening.”

He ran from room to room until he saw what looked like the front door.

Flinging it open, he ran out before he had even seen what was waiting for him outside.

** You have moved into a dark place. It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.  ** the voice told Jason playfully.

“Oh, _shit_ ,” he yelped, instantly ducking back inside where it was well-lit. “A _grue?_ ” ****

** The grue is a sinister, lurking presence in the dark places of the earth. Its favourite diet is adventurers, but its insatiable appetite is tempered by its fear of light. No grue has ever been seen by the light of day, and few have survived its fearsome jaws to tell the tale. **

Jason slammed the door behind him and leaned against it. This was like a terrible nightmare, except he couldn’t wake up.

“Who are you?” he asked his surroundings. Who the fuck could possibly pull off something like this?

** I don’t understand that. **

“Why are you doing this to me?” Jason shrieked.

** You deserve it.  ** This time, the voice sounded cold.

“ _Deserved_ it? What the hell did I ever do to deserve _this?_ ” he cried.

** Causing the death of four people and severe injury to six others is usually considered to be deserving of punishment in some form. **

Jason’s legs gave out.

“You can’t know that,” he found himself saying. “You can’t prove it.”

** No one’s trying to prove anything. **

“You can’t keep me here!”

** I don’t understand that.  ** The voice sounded like its owner was smirking.

Jason breathed in, and tried to think.

He’d played Zork a heap of times since he’d downloaded it out of curiosity, so he should know how this works. The normal sequence of events had apparently been discarded, but hopefully the rules and internal logic would remain the same. He could do this.

He needed a light source. And a weapon.

“What have I got?” he asked aloud.

** You are carrying: a wallet, a cellphone with an irritating ringtone that your girlfriend picked out for you, a chocolate wrapper, a ballpoint and some pocket lint. **

His cellphone!

Jason pulled it hastily out of his pocket.

_No signal,_ it told him.

“Why can’t I get a signal?” he demanded, before realising how stupid a question that was.

** I don’t understand that. **

“You suck!” Jason snapped.

** And here I thought we were becoming the best of friends. **

“Fuck you!”

** Such language in a high-class establishment like this! **

Jason fought the urge to cry, and held on to his terrified anger.

A torch. He needed a torch, or a lamp, or something.

He searched the house, examining all the cupboards. He found an empty shampoo bottle, a torn-out newspaper ad for a three-bedroom home with a spacious design, a can of cooked kidney beans and a packet of beefy jerky in the pantry, a dusty dressing gown with an analgesic in one pocket, before finding a battered-looking torch in an upstairs cupboard.

When he switched it on, bright white light flooded out.

“Thank God,” Jason muttered.

** .  .  .  .  . **

** .  .  .  .  . **

This time, when Jason left the house, it was daylight, so that he was able to see that he was standing in the middle of an overgrown foot-high lawn.

“Look,” he tried, in the hope of gaining some more information. Hell, it worked in the game, right? Maybe it would work here, too.

** You are standing outside an abandoned house. The lawn is ridiculously overgrown and full of snakes. **

_ Snakes?! _

He moved forward cautiously, nerves on edge.

As he approached the edge of the forest, the was able to see a path through the closely-growing trees.

“I don’t know who or what you are, but you’re an absolute bastard,” Jason said bitterly.

** You are a cretin. **

Jason just started to follow the path in front of him.

** .  .  .  .  . **

** .  .  .  .  . **

“What do grues look like, anyway?” he asked, after a while.

** No grue has ever been seen by the light of day. **

“Is that an ‘I don’t know?’ Which is it, anyway, grue or grues? The plural, I mean.”

** The plural form of the word ‘grue’ is grue. **

“You know, that’s almost helpful.”

** I don’t know the word ‘helpful.’ **

“You’ve sure got that right, buddy.”

** There is a chocolate bar on the path ahead. It looks delicious. **

“The hell?”

** There was no verb in that sentence! **

Jason ignored the narrator’s mock-scandalised chiding, and kept his eyes glued to the path.

Sure enough, there was a Kit Kat just lying on the path.

“What happens if I eat this?” Jason asked, wondering if it would turn out to be poisoned or something.

** What happens if you eat this what? **

“What happens if I eat this chocolate bar?” Jason clarified in irritation.

** Did you sleep through biology in school? **

“Fuck you,” said Jason, for the umpteenth time.

** Thanks, but no thanks.  ** The reply was chirpy.

“I hate you,” Jason said wearily, and picked up the chocolate bar and stuck it in one of his pockets.

** Such hostility. **

“Does this path ever end? Maybe I should go back.”

** He who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is not fit for the kingdom of winners. In any case, ‘BACK’ doesn’t work. **

“Great.”

** Ahead, you see a break in the trees. The path leads to a clearing. **

“Thank God.”

** God isn’t here right now. You can leave a message like the other six billion people on the face of the earth, or you can just accept that he doesn’t care any more.  ** The reply was weirdly bitter.

   
“Oooookay,” Jason said slowly. “Look.” 

** You are in a clearing, with a forest surrounding you on all sides. A path leads south. On the ground is a pile of leaves. **

Jason just sat down at the base of one of the trees, giving a sigh of relief. His feet and legs hurt, he was starving, and oh yeah, he was trapped in a real-life version of fucking _Zork._

He should have grabbed the can of beans. Even though he didn’t have a can opener, he could have smashed it open with a rock, or something.

Pulling the jerky out of his pocket, he tore open the packet with his teeth, and started to eat.

“This is some kind of test, right?” he asked, chewing. “If I make it through, you let me out?”

**_FOOL_**  boomed a hollow voice.

Jason damn near levitated at the unexpected sound.

 “ _Fuck!_ ” 

** There is a snake resting by your foot, lying in wait for the ideal moment to sink it’s fangs into your flesh. **

Jason froze. Slowly, carefully, he looked down.

Yeah. There was a snake. 

What the hell now?

“Hit snake,” he tried. ‘Look’ did something, so maybe ‘hit snake’ would, too.

** Hit snake with what? **

“Hit the snake with anything!”

** I don’t understand the word ‘anything.’ **

“Shit!” Jason cursed, and hit the snake with his torch.

Really hard, apparently, because the snake’s skull smashed like an egg – _oh, gross_ – and the light went out.

There was a gurgling noise.

** It is pitch black.  ** the voice gloated.  ** You are likely to be eaten by a grue. **

“But I’m not an adventurer!” Jason blurted inanely, frantically whacking his torch against the ground a few times in the hope it would start working again.

_There was a_ _gurgling noise right in front of him._

Jason let out a scream just before the fangs tore open his throat.

** You have been eaten by a grue. That’ll teach you to hack traffic lights for fun, you reprehensible dick. **

The voice sounded satisfied.

**Author's Note:**

> Ages ago, I started playing _Zork_ out of curiosity, and the smart-arse narrator voice reminded me a little of Gabriel from _Supernatural_. Thus, this fic.
> 
> Where possible, all of Gabriel's responses are actual narrator replies, either from the original verson of Zork, or from one of the versions currently playable online, which have more smart-arse responses.


End file.
